So sorry for the overlong vacation from blogging. It's been a busy coupla weeks. Went home for the holidays and all that. Saw the family, enjoyed Athiest Kids Get Presents Day. Tons of fun. Blah blah blah Anyway:
Now, let me start this post by saying that I think I have a... healthy fear of chainsaws.
Not that I have nightmares or anything, but I know to stay away.
Father, though, he loves 'em. He got two for Christmas. Like, who needs two chainsaws? And they weren't even normal chainsaws, they were gimmick-y chainsaws. Obsoirve:
Horror Tool #1: Chainsaw on a Pole.
I don't think Gramma's gonna make it.
Because what better place to put a whirring death machine than at the ass-end of a third-degree lever?
Seriously, as soon as he unwrapped this thing, I got out a sketchpad and started talking about torque and fulcra and moment-arms, because let's face it, Father is roughly sixty years old and the laws of physics just aren't on his side.
But then I got to make jokes about not touching things with a chainsaw on a ten-foot-pole BECAUSE I'M SO FUNNY LIKE THAT.
But that doesn't hold a candle to...
Horror Tool #2: the "Alligator Lopper"
Because how can you make a chainsaw that much more terrifying? Anthropomorphize it.
I just imagine some Black & Decker engineer coming into work one day, all, "I had the worst nightmare last night. I was being chased by a chainsaw beast with teeth and a jaw," and some other engineer being all, "Eureka! We'll make a mint!"
The good people at Black & Decker want you to think it's for this:
But everyone knows it's really for this:
PS: Who gardens in white gloves? That's creepy in itself, geez.